Put Emotions Aside and Avoid These Four Common Traps
Jen and Steve have been married for eighteen years. They have two children, 16 and 14, a beautiful home, good jobs, vacations every year and money saved. In short, their life looked picture-perfect. Until Steve asked for a divorce. Blindsided, Jen was unable to function normally. Her emotions were turned to 100. It was as if her world had been t-boned by a semi-truck – driven by her husband. At least that’s how it felt.
Jen was stuck in a whirlpool of anger, sadness, confusion and guilt. Why? What did I do wrong? What could I have done better? What if…?
Jen and Steve are examples of the, approximately 813,000, couples who get divorced every year.1
The 4 Major Mistakes Women Make
But here’s the deal: if you’re a woman who is faced with divorce, you must avoid making these four common mistakes – for your future well-being.
- REACTING EMOTIONALLY
Of course you’re emotional, the most important relationship of your life is about to end. This is totally normal.
But you can control how much damage it causes by getting your head together. This is especially important during divorce proceedings.
Here is something you should think about when you’re in the thick of divorce: what do I want my life to look like in two years?
Tap into your innermost desires to paint a picture of your new life, post-divorce.
► Do you want to have financial security?
► Do you want to be able to enjoy all the same things you do now?
► Do you want your children to live in the same neighborhood or go to the same schools?
This picture of your new life is your map for navigating negotiations of finances and assets. Because if one thing is certain: men usually treat divorce like business deals. They leave their emotions outside of the lawyer’s office. And you should, too!
This means if your soon-to-be ex tries to convince you that you don’t need a lawyer, you must put your emotions aside. You should definitely get a lawyer – and one that comes with high recommendations. Also, make sure you don’t empty your bank accounts paying attorney fees.
You might be tempted to stick it to your husband by taking him to court until he hands over his left kidney – but that may cost you and your family.
So keep cool and look at this like a chess game. You want to the most you can get without hurting yourself.
- NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU HAVE OR OWE
This is a biggie. Many women have no idea what they have or what they owe. Here’s a very important piece of advice: if you are thinking about filing for divorce, find out what you have before you do.
This is why: as soon as the word divorce comes up, your husband will have a head start at hiding assets that might have gone to you and your children. Not all partners will do this, but it happens.
You can either do the detective work yourself (open those bank statements) or hire a forensic accountant to do it for you. The more you know, the better off you will be when it comes time to divide assets.
- SETTLING TOO SOON
You might not believe this, but many women walk away from a lot of money – millions even – out of guilt or emotional fatigue.
Let’s talk guilt first. As women, we often try to please. We don’t want to hurt anyone and we don’t want to be judged poorly. Because of this, so many women feel guilty about asking for what they are entitled to.
If they were stay-at-home moms they might feel like they don’t deserve half of the assets. And guess what?
When they do walk away from their fair share, they often regret it later. The simple reason for this is that emotions clouded their judgment (see #1).
After the dust settles and you begin to see things clearly, it is too late to redo divorce proceedings.
So be smart. Make sure you get the maximum you are entitled to by law.
Remember, many men treat divorce like a business transaction – and you should, too.
Make your partner aware of your intentions: you want what is legally owed to you – nothing more and nothing less. If he bullies or harasses you into settling for a lesser amount, you can avoid talking to him and use a mediator instead.
- MISMANAGING MONEY
Once the divorce is over you are now left with your assets. For women who have relied on their spouses for financial support and guidance, this can be a very intimidating situation. This is when many women make irreversible mistakes.
First of all, you might still be emotionally vulnerable. It could take two years (or more) to get over a divorce.2 What does this mean? You could trust the wrong people to help you heal your wounds.
Predators are very good at spotting potential victims who are often emotionally fragile, hungry for love and companionship.
Predators can come in many forms. They can be a new boyfriend. An unethical financial advisor or attorney. Someone who wants to sell you their business.
Whatever the case may be, you need to secure a financial advisor you can trust. Why is this so important? Easy. It’s important because your advisor will help you manage your assets to achieve the lifestyle you want.
You want to avoid paying tons of fees or locking money into investments that might not match your current situation.
Make sure the advisor comes with excellent recommendations and is a fiduciary.
Bottom Line
Divorce is not the end of the world, ladies. You will survive it! The difference between women who handle it rationally and those who let their emotions take the wheel is enormous.
Don’t be afraid to get support from women who have been through it. Make sure you trust the right people. And, finally, don’t short change yourself!
To learn more about what to ask a prospective advisor, read this article: If You Don’t Know What a Fiduciary Is… NOW Is the Time to Find Out
1https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/marriage_divorce_tables.htm
2http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/30/how-to-move-on_n_3679198.html
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