motivation

Even though we ask for trivial things every day, the act of asking for a favor, comfort, or help makes a lot of people queasy. It’s difficult to ask for things that require a genuine connection and trust: things that have deeper meaning and expose our human vulnerability.

There’s no reason to stay quiet during hard times.

Our emotions, sensitivities, and, yes, even our imperfections make us who we really are, so why try to hide them from everybody and deal with them only by ourselves?

Trying to be some kind of perfect super woman will create emotional, mental, and physical strain.

People are not perfect and do not have everything figured out all the time, and you know it… so why should you be any different?

If you find it difficult to reach out and ask for help out of sticky situations, keep reading. We’re going to talk about why you shouldn’t stay quiet. If you know someone who tends to shut down emotionally, please share this with them too. We’ll address why it’s important to be open about struggles, how to open up, and when.

Why is it important to open up?

A lot of people shut down and suffer in silence for two main reasons: shame and fear.

When you let those particular emotions dictate what your next move will be and how to live your life, you’re focusing only on the negative and you risk living out toxic patterns. The more you shut down, the more trapped you’ll feel.

As retirement income planners, we’ve seen our fair share of clients who ask for our help feeling ashamed. They talk about their financial situation as if it was some dark secret, and they feel fearful about the future. That’s why one of the first things we do is to reassure them that simply by asking and reaching out, they already are on track to improve their situation.

What could be shameful about that? How is asking for help anything but an honorable and humble act?

As with so many other things, if you struggle with this, make an effort to shift your perspective. Understand that by asking others for help and not staying quiet, you’re acknowledging that no one is an island, and we constantly need one another… and that’s okay.

Culture and society are based on interaction, trust, and our need to connect with others.

How can we open up?

Now that we’ve cleared up why it’s normal and, by the way, completely essential for our growth to need a helping hand from time to time, let’s talk a bit about how to actually ask for something.

To ease yourself into asking for something, think about the times you’ve been asked for help or offered it yourself without even being asked.

• What compelled you to donate, assist, or do something for someone else?
• What kind of request usually puts you off?

By asking yourself these questions, you’ll learn what it is that actually bothers you about asking.

Once you’ve done this, you’ll have probably figured out that when the requests are sincere and to the point, you are more likely to lend a hand. So practice that in your own requests.

When a distressed friend trusted you enough to tell you about her relationship issues, did you think less of her? Would you think any less of a person seeking out professional help to overcome addiction or depression? How about an entrepreneur hosting a fundraiser to start a nonprofit organization? In these very different situations, the very act of not staying quiet and asking for help is the key to success.

Consider this: shame and the fear of rejection are mostly in your head and not really in the outside world. So don’t be quiet about your needs.

Dare to show your weaknesses so you can overcome them. Go easy on yourself and remember that others are willing to help.

When can we open up?

It may not seem like it, but there are always people willing to help. We thrive on the sense of belonging to a community and feeling connections.

As a species, we’ve come as far as we have because of our ability to help each other out – not in spite of it!

At any given moment there is always someone who cares about you: friends, family, and communities. It’s easy to adopt a cynical world view, but really, countless professions such as doctors, teachers, coaches, and advisors all studied and invested time and money to aid and encourage others in many different ways. Sure, they make a living out of this, but they could’ve made money a thousand different ways – and yet, they decided to do so by helping people. Don’t shy away from that.

So, when should you ask for help?

The answer is very simple: when you feel like you need it.

Make a mental note of this and always remember that there are people out there who care.
When you stay quiet and keep all your troubles to yourself, it feels like you’re carrying around extra weight all the time. There’s no reason for you to keep such a heavy load on your back when there’s an easier, healthier way.

As you’ve surely guessed by now, we’re not talking exclusively about financial problems here. Apply this philosophy to everything: from relationships to insomnia to overeating. Whatever is adding extra weight to your back… please do not stay quiet and ask for help with it. Always keep in mind that you don’t have to hide who you truly are.

Being open about what you’re going through is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of being alive and daring to connect with others.

It can be so easy to lose track of the present. Without really noticing, days turn into weeks and weeks into months, until all of a sudden you realize that you haven’t made the time to live your life and enjoy yourself. You’ve been so busy working, taking care of the family, making bucket lists, worrying and wearing yourself thin, that you haven’t actually paid any attention to the things that really move you and make you feel passionate about life.

In the grand scheme of things, we spend so little time on this Earth that the mere thought of not making the best of our precious time is ridiculous. Why shouldn’t we make some time to be in the present and remind ourselves that – like Joan Baez says – we actually can decide how we’re going to live?

This simple reminder can help snap us back into the present. Even better, it helps us enjoy what we have and keep striving towards what we want, instead of just anxiously thinking about it.

When we can’t fully live in the present moment, it’s usually because we worry too much about the past or the future, and neither option is good for you. Of course, it’s perfectly fine to wonder about how things might be in years to come or to reflect upon your past experiences. The problem arises when that’s all you’re thinking about.

When you’re obsessed with the past and future, you aren’t doing yourself and those around you any favors. Being stuck in the past or only thinking about the future keeps you from living in the moment… which, if you think about it, is the only thing we really have.

If you’ve decided to stop worrying and enjoy your life for what it is, continue reading so you can turn this theory into practice.

Don’t be too busy for the important things.

Pay attention to yourself and the people you care about. Spending time with your loved ones will naturally make you focus on the present. So throw a gathering for no special reason, treat yourself to a fancy dinner, and don’t miss those birthday parties and special occasions. Make yourself present for the important things right here and now.

Pay attention to your senses.

Make everyday activities a full-on sensory experience. Focus on the way your muscles tense up and release as you do your morning stretches, make your daily shower a luscious experience by being mindful about it, savor the different smells while you’re cooking… the list goes on. When you focus on what your senses perceive, you are living in the present.

Be prepared.

You’ll feel free to enjoy the present if you’re prepared for the future. Create a fund (an old-fashioned piggy bank will do) where you save some money to indulge in fun things. Sometimes, financial struggles are what keeps us up at night: having a special fund that you can use to create enjoyable experiences or treat yourself to mini-luxuries will save you a lot of worry. You can save and spend at the same time as long as you’re conscious about your cash flow — don’t spend more than what you earn.

Now that we’ve discussed how to enjoy living in the moment, we have to address the other elephant in the room: worry.

Here are some actions you can practice to stop worrying so much.

Deal with the past.

Everyone has regrets, but you don’t have to let them take over.

Thinking about what could have been is a surefire way to feel sad and remorseful. While it’s perfectly fine to reminisce about past events you wish would have went differently, don’t let yourself go overboard and live only in memories. Make a conscious effort to recall what you’ve learned from such experiences and let them go.

Deal with negative feelings from the past and acknowledge that, while you can’t change the past, you can change how you perceive them today.

Don’t let feelings of being overwhelmed take over.

Accept that you can’t control everything.

Uncertainty causes a lot of stress, but it’s also a part of everyone’s lives. The truth is that no one really knows what the future holds for us. There are so many things we don’t have control over that there’s simply no point in letting them overwhelm us. The sooner you admit this, the less overwhelmed you’ll feel.

Contrary to what you may think, accepting the hard truth that we don’t know how everything’s going to play out in the end actually offers us the chance to get working on the things we do have some power over, like our actions and attitude.

Worry and be happy.

Granted, this isn’t actually possible at the same time. There will inevitably be some days that you’ll be stressed out and worried. It happens. So please don’t beat yourself up about it.

Give yourself some time to worry… especially if it gives you a push towards taking action. If you don’t want to worry so much, place limits on your worrying. You’d be surprised at how such a simple idea can make people switch perspectives and focus on finding solutions instead of fixating on their problems.

Set a specific period in your day in which you allow yourself to feel worried and write down everything that troubles you. That way, you can plan what to do about it and you won’t have negative thoughts popping up throughout the day.

Time is a tricky thing; sometimes it flies by, yet other times it seems to freeze. But right now, let’s honor the moment by enjoying it as much as we can. Let’s make our lives count. If you’re reading this, it means you’re alive… do you need another reason to stop worrying so much and just enjoy it?

Remember, you decide how you’re going to live… so choose now.

There was once a king who had a great garden full of varied trees, plants, and flowers, which he cared for deeply. One day, he sadly found out that all this plant life was slowly withering. The once-mighty oak confessed it was dying of sorrow since it couldn’t grow as high as the pine tree; the pine admitted it was dying because it couldn’t blossom as roses did; and the roses told the king that they could only dream of being as big as the oak one day.

One thing caught the king’s eye, though: some berries that were happy, juicy, and ripe. Inevitably, the king asked them how they could be in such great condition, given the state of everything else in the garden. The berries replied that they knew that if he didn’t want berries, he wouldn’t have planted them. They knew they couldn’t offer the endurance of the oak, the greatness of the pine tree, or the softness of rose petals. But they could focus on growing and being some amazing berries. So they did the best they could.

And that gesture of love and confidence was so much more that the king ever hoped for.

This is a summarized version of a lovely tale about self-growth and, ultimately, self-worth by Jorge Bucay. He used this tale to encourage people to be true to who they are and to remind them how beautiful everyone is precisely because they’re not like anybody else.

We wanted to share it with you because it carries a message in which we deeply believe: you’re you and cannot be anybody else. Will you let that get you down or will you grow and take care of yourself out of love? In other words, will you blossom or wither?

All of us can identify with those poor plants that let sadness, envy, and longing get the best of them, even though all they needed to do to get what they wanted – to flourish and please their king – was simply to be themselves.

On the other hand, we all have at least some “berry” moments in which we feel proud of who we are and what we’ve accomplished. Focus on those moments every time you’re feeling blue.

Everyone is unique and has different things to offer to the world.

You can, by all means, admire and look up to others, but you couldn’t (and shouldn’t) be exactly like them.

Instead, you can use others as inspiration to dream, explore, and better yourself in whatever way you see fit that is true to your own individuality.

You get what you (think) you deserve.

A lot of times, what really holds us back and keeps us feeling like we’re not enough is a deeply rooted (but mostly subconscious) belief that we don’t deserve what we want or that we’re not worthy of having our own desires.

We have witnessed how people who struggle to manage and organize their finances often have negative thoughts about money and wealth. People assume that they could never be financially stable, build up their savings, or invest in something they’ve always wanted.

At the root of these self-limiting thoughts is the devastating idea that they couldn’t possibly become financially successful… because they’re not worth it. To us, that’s exactly like a beautiful rose feeling sorry about not being as robust as an oak.

Self-worth and financial success are very closely related.

After all, we develop a type of relationship with money since childhood. It’s a mistake to think our relationships — be it with money, friends, partner, or pretty much any other thing — are static and cannot be improved. People can grow and learn. People change, and so do relationships. Thinking about relationships as a fixed thing leaves little room for improvement.

In order to get rid of such limiting beliefs, think of the Growth Mindset.

The Growth Mindset involves actively participating in building and polishing up one’s skillset instead of thinking that those skillset are locked and can’t be improved. It promotes resilience and a positive attitude towards learning.

Its main advocate, Carol Dweck, puts it like this:

“When you enter a mindset, you enter a new world. In one world — the world of fixed traits — success is about proving you’re smart or talented. Validating yourself. In the other — the world of changing qualities — it’s about stretching yourself to learn something new. Developing yourself”

You get what you think you deserve, so work on your mindset and core beliefs and allow yourself to be as successful as you want.

Why should you let your own thoughts limit what you can achieve? Be adventurous when it comes to discovering your talents and developing your skills.

Don’t forget, though, that those same goals we’re encouraging you to achieve should be created independently. It’s your life, so you should be the one calling the shots.

And those areas you need some help with? Those skills you need to improve? Well, channel that Growth Mindset and start taking concrete steps to learn. Forget about other people’s expectations and definitions of success, comfort, and happiness and don’t settle for anything less than yourself.

All you have to contribute to this world (and enjoy it!) is to be yourself. Be like those berries from the story.

Everything you need to live a satisfying, meaningful life is available. The choice is yours.

Are you ready to blossom?